i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So many bounce houses so little time
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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