the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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