im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
