i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
