I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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