I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
