Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
