he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
