I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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