After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
