Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize