Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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