My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
