help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
