my shit smells like andre
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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