ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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