It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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