Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
