I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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