I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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