I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
