As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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