ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize