If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
is that a dick in a sweater?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
