How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
