Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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