Just fell off a train. Bad.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
