we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
