pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Congratulations! We have a period
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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