I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
