So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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