Even the bartender felt bad for me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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