My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need water and some morals
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
