I wish I could punch you in the face.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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