im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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