Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Farmville is her only friend.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
