There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
