So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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