Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
