We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
