a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
