my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize