in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
