That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
