Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize