I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
