I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
