he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
