look no pants
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
