I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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