Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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