All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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