so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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