dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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