All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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