I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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