a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
