filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
