Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." ๐ ๐๐ท
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl itโs not like I cheated. Itโs communal.
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