Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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