I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
