My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
