you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
