you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
whose parrot is this?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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