Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
