??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
