Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
