I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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