Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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