Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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