So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
