Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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