I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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